in search of being

You can find me here now.

2007-11-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

just moved for the sake of something new, but trying to post more regularly and with daily pictures. check it out.

it's all about facebook

2007-04-19T02:01:00.000-04:00

can't remember the last time i posted her and i barely post on myspace anymore. facebook is an addiction, greater than all other. lol. really loving that it facilitates communication between current and old and new friends! It's email, blogging and messaging and texting, all rolled into one.

otherwise. starting a 'new' temp job on monday. 1-2 months and a 1 year contract if they decide to keep the position. It's new and they're trying it out. We'll see. I just want to be busy. I got so side tracked from my career search - all I can do now is just focus on working again, getting back on track money wise and then try to continue the career search while working.

and, i met a new guy. at the gym. he's cute. we be dating. going with the flow.

you. can. only. type. one. word.

2007-02-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone: bed

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: non-existent

3. Your hair: short

4. Favorite store: walmart

5. Your father: dying

6. Your favorite thing: unknown

7. Your dream last night: none

8. Your favorite drink: greenapple

9. Your dream car: small

10. The room you're in: basement

11. Your last ex: working

12. You are: strong

13. What do you want to be in 10 years: alive

14. Who did you hang out with last night: Anthony

15. What you're not: sure

16. Muffin: oatmealchocolatechip

17. One of your wish list items: downtownapartment

18. The last thing you did: showered

19. What are you wearing: night-clothes

20. Your TV: cute

21. Your pet is: non-existent

22. Your computer: tania's

23. Your life: tumultuous

24. Your mood: relaxed

25. MISSING: meaning

26. What are you thinking about right now: tired

27. Your car: dad's

30. Your summer: hmmm...

31. Your relationship status: okay

32. Your favorite color: green

33. When is the last time you laughed: workingout

34. Last time you cried: recently

35. Work: no

2007-02-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

Career Interest Profiler Overview

Your career should be . . .

Creative and Organized!

It is important for you to express yourself in whatever you do. You have a desire to be creative and imaginative in your work and to have the opportunity to design new products or deal with new ideas. You enjoy art, drama, writing and music. While you enjoy creating, you also like to have things well defined, organized and accurate.

You are likely to enjoy occupations that will allow you to design and create new things and that involve using your intuition and self-expression. You will enjoy occupations that allow you to be organized as well as creative.

You have a unique set of interests and deserve a career that expresses your uniqueness. Do you want to know what kind of jobs there are out there that will satisfy these interests? Then look no further! Your personalized Career Interest Map is being prepared right now.

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The thing you value most in your career is . . .

Consistency and Security!

You will be most comfortable working in an environment that offers you a consistent career path and a feeling of job security. You are likely to prefer steady and predictable advancement rather than rapid and unpredictable change. You like using established methods. While you are able to cope with organizational change, any far-reaching change will probably lead you to experience stress and discomfort. You will enjoy working where you feel that you can plan for the future.

hmm... not sure about this. The other test I did said I valued challenge and fun foremost, for what I was looking for in a job.

------------------------------------------

You are...

At ease with friends.

You are at ease in situations that do not require a lot of socializing. You would rather spend time alone, or with a few people you know well, than interact with a large group. You prefer small gatherings with close friends to large parties with lots of people. While you feel at ease in most social settings, you rarely call attention to yourself. It is more enjoyable for you to watch and listen to others. In settings where you meet new people, you prefer to let others take the initiative and make a connection with you.

You are organized and take a methodical approach to your life. You are planful and thorough in everything you do, because you want things to be done well. Your methodical style and your careful attention to details show how important it is for you to do things correctly and avoid mistakes. You enjoy checking the details of your work, and do not like cutting corners to meet deadlines. Others may see you as a perfectionist, but you believe that any task worth doing should be done well.

2007-02-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

transferable skills survey

Transfer Skills Results
Here are your Scores in the following categories:

Communication: 22 out of a maximum of 39 56%
Researh & Planning: 15 out of a maximum of 36 41%
Human Relations: 19 out of a maximum of 39 48%
Organization, Management & Leadership: 11 out of a maximum of 36 30%
Work Survival: 25 out of a maximum of 36 69%

so what does it mean?

2007-02-18T19:07:00.000-05:00

princetonreview.com

Here is an overview of your results

People with green Interests like job responsibilities and occupations that involve persuasion, sales, promotions, and group or personal contact. People with green Interests enjoy activities that include: motivating, mediating, selling, influencing, consensus building, persuading, delegating authority, entertaining, and lobbying. These Interests often lead to work in marketing, advertising, training, therapy, consulting, teaching, law, and public relations.
something is wrong here - i'm definitely NOT a 'sales' type person. I'm definitely not persuasive!

People with yellow styles perform their job responsibilities in a manner that is orderly and planned to meet a known schedule. They prefer to work where things get done with a minimum of interpretation and unexpected change. People with a yellow style tend to be orderly, cautious, structured, loyal, systematic, solitary, methodical, and organized, and usually thrive in a research-oriented, predictable, established, controlled, measurable, orderly environment. You will want to choose a work environment or career path in which your style is welcomed and produces results.

2007-02-18T18:40:00.000-05:00

(These last 3 post, are all versions of the same personality test.)

sunderland.ca.uk

Feedback
The test that you have just taken is based on the Five Factor Model of personality. There is a broad consensus amongst personality theorists that this model, which describes five major 'domains' or traits, is the best current description of the structure of personality. The five major dimensions, and your scores on them, are described below. Try to interpret your results on the basis of the overall pattern, rather than just concentrating on particular scores.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Factor I : Extraversion (AKA Surgency)

This trait reflects preference for, and behavior in, social situations. People high in extraversion are energetic and seek out the company of others. Low scorers (introverts) tend to be more quiet and reserved. Compared to other people who have taken this test so far, your score (21) is relatively low.

Factor II : Agreeableness (AKA Friendliness)

This trait reflects how we tend to interact with others. People high in agreeableness tend to be trusting, friendly and cooperative. Low scorers tend to be more aggressive and less cooperative. Compared to other people who have taken this test so far, your score (44) is relatively high.

Factor III : Conscientiousness (AKA Will or Dependability)

This trait reflects how organized and persistent we are in pursuing our goals. High scorers are methodical, well organized and dutiful. Low scorers are less careful, less focussed and more likely to be distracted from tasks. Compared to other people who have taken this test so far, your score (26) is relatively low.

Factor IV : Neuroticism (AKA Emotional Stability)

This trait reflects the tendency to experience negative thoughts and feelings. High scorers are prone to insecurity and emotional distress. Low scorers tend to be more relaxed, less emotional and less prone to distress. Compared to other people who have taken this test so far, your score (24) is relatively low.

Factor V : Openness (AKA Culture or Intellect)

This trait reflects 'open-mindedness' and interest in culture. High scorers tend to be imaginative, creative, and to seek out cultural and educational experiences. Low scorers are more down-to-earth, less interested in art and more practical in nature. Compared to other people who have taken this test so far, your score (39) is about average.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A word of caution: your classifications as low, average or high may not be completely accurate. Your score on each scale is compared with those of other people who have done the test: 'relatively low' means your score was in the bottom 30%, 'relatively high' in the top 30%, and 'about average' somewhere in the middle. However, we do not yet have proper norms which would enable a more accurate interpretation of your responses. The information you have given us will help us to develop these, and to establish the reliability and validity of the test.

2007-02-18T18:18:00.000-05:00

The OD-Online Profiler describes your personality on five scales.

Easygoing: DRIVE: Can sometimes appear casual about work. Modest concern towards accomplishing goals. Able to set work aside. Quality and timeliness of work may ebb and flow with interest in task. ORGANIZATION: Organization is an effort. Making plans and keeping schedules may not come easily. Work area may be disordered.
i think i might of marked off some questions wrong, because I always have a very organized desk at work. I can't start a project/work, if I can't see exactly where everything I need is!

Very Private: Shy and reserved. Does not seek attention from others. Doesn't say much. Behavior is usually deliberate, cautious, and purposeful. SOCIABILITY: Prefers solitude. Sometimes difficult to engage in conversation. Will usually need time alone to recharge after being with others.

Agreeable: Generally positive, cooperative and friendly. Has an upbeat look on life. Good interpersonal skills; tactful. Would rather cooperate than compete or argue. EMPATHY: Can balance objectivity with others' feelings. Shows a reasonable amount of concern for others. TRUST: Usually has faith in others and trusts them to be dependable. Quick to reconcile.

Very Resilient: Relaxed and even-tempered. Unflappable. Thick-skinned, quick to bounce back. Confident and able to effectively deal with adversity. Shows good self-composure. ANXIETY: Serene and unaffected by stress. Calm under pressure. Few worries. MOOD: Mood is fairly consistent. Can let go of anger after a short period of time.

Practical: Tends to be realistic and pragmatic. Likely to prefer conservative values and ideas, though may consider less conventional ideas and values when appropriate. Somewhat selective in personal interests. CREATIVITY: Is fairly imaginative, and can provide some innovative ideas.

o.c.e.a.n.

2007-02-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

I'm a O41-C47-E9-A79-N32 Big Five!!

Openness to Experience/Intellect
High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
You typically don't seek out new experiences. (Your percentile: 41)

Conscientiousness
High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
You are neither organized or disorganized. (Your percentile: 47)

Extraversion
High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
You probably enjoy spending quiet time alone. (Your percentile: 9)

Agreeableness
High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
You tend to consider the feelings of others. (Your percentile: 79)

Neuroticism
High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.
You are generally relaxed. (Your percentile: 32)

2007-02-17T23:44:00.000-05:00

i felt better. eased. just in talking with him. interesting isn't it. and what does it mean? does it mean anything? life is changing even more right now. more things are happening, making it challenging to deal with. that's life.

this is what gets me...

2007-02-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

FIVE KEY ELEMENTS TO ACHIEVING ALMOST ANYTHING YOU WANT

In the book, The Secret of the Ages by Robert Collier, he says, "you may have anything you want in life provided you:

1. Know exactly what you want
2. Want it badly enough
3. Confidently expect to attain it
4. Persistently determine to obtain it, and
5. Are willing to pay the price of its attainment."

I know this! I've always know this, but what get's me/been getting me, is number 1! But I AM working on it.

i try to breathe out...

2007-02-07T21:09:00.000-05:00

... but the pressure isn't released.

I was talking to my sister about nursing. She's one. why she chose it (she wanted to help people). what she does (lot's/stressfull/multi-tasking/'customer' service/patient advocate, etc...) And if she likes it (Yes!). recent events have me wondering if it's something i could do? i'd like to help people. give good customer service to patients and advocate on their behalf (to doctors). but i don't know if i'm cut out for it. bed baths? needles? medications and dosing (scary). hmmm... it's a thought.

i'm thinking brampton is it. ugh. really not 1st on my list of places to live - but, you do what ya gotta. if only i could get in at the h.b.c. head offie (they are a chain of dept stores). the head office happens to be real close to my house. walking distance even. hmmm... if i apply for the associate stocking position and work my way up?

life eternal. i remember holding on to your coat tail - literally. me on one side, tania on the other. walking behind you through the mall. your's was the first chest i laid my head on. prickly with hair. i remember pretending i was asleep, so i could still get a ride out of the car, up to our old apartment. and the thrill of seeing the car in the school parking lot, as we started our walk home. you brought home a frog in a milk carton, for us city kids to see. and flattened pennies on train tracks for us. i was embrassed when you were teaching me to drive and i saw the cute boy i liked, see me. you've always taken care of me. always. i saw you cry when you thought i was at risk. you understand my current dilema and encourage me to keep trying. i love you so much.

2007-01-25T08:37:00.000-05:00

I envy people and the 'great' live's I assume they're living.
I'm bored.
I don't feel I have a purpose.
I don't know who I am.
I feel empty every day.

There is no authenticity in my being. No reality. I feel alone. Un. Nothing. I don't know who I am or where I'm going. I looked at her profile/. Artgryl. She's 24. A graphic designer. Dreamer. Like's to eat. Like's discovering new music. Surf's deviantArt. And I thought, "That's who I want to be." But I have no idea how to get there.

If I quit my job... then I'll have no money.... and can't pay bills... but, i'd probably only be a month out of work (cross fingers). maybe it is feasible...

Only a month though, IF, I can really figure it out this time. It's interesting how many times I tried this - saying that time was going to be thee time. and then the momentum fizzled out. when i moved back home last oct. I said, THIS IS IT. I gave myself 6 months to figure it out. I didn't have a job and for a good week, I was doing all the required reading and such. Started to make a bit of headway. then the fear of not having money and the piling up bills, started creeping in (like it always does) and then I got a temp job. And another. And I thought this one was it. The right 'stop gap' job. Somewhere I'd be able to stay (cool people. don't have to dress up. downtown), for a good while (6months to a year) and figure out my life. But, no. The job of working took over. After working all day, coming home, I didn't have the energy to 'work' on my life stuff. And the weekends (although I tried for awhile), eventually became filled with other miscellany. And the quest became buried. And now it's 4 months since my move. 2 months left on my 'deadline'. And again, I'm nowhere closer to figuring it out. It's tiring and I'm tired of it. So maybe a month of reading, of research. With no thoughts of finance - allowing myself to go into more debt - because what else can I do? Maybe, this time is the right time. Maybe by the time I turn 34, I'll know a little bit of who I am. Wouldn't that be nice?

---------------------------------------------

I had been having trouble sleeping. Waking up at 2am, 4am. Tossing and turning. I felt I was getting stir crazy, living in the basement. No natural light on the weekends, hanging out down there. Then I re-arranged my 'room'. Bought a new comforter set. And now that I really like how the basement looks, there's a comfort there now. It's nice down there now. My sister said so. And I'm sleeping better. Also due to the fact that I started setting the sleep timer on my t.v., so I don't go to sleep in complete darkness, now I fall asleep and stay asleep until the morning. And if fact, this past week, I've been waking up at almost 5mins before my 6am alarm, every day, whether I go to sleep at the preferred 10pm (for 8 hours) or 11:30pm. Interesting.

2007-01-21T00:21:00.000-05:00

came across this website. very interesting. one of the comments called it 'satire' which is synonymous with 'irony'. very interesting. i had to laugh. cause i've encountered those stereotypes myself (what black person hasn't?)

2007-01-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

So luckily (I say that grudgingly), the café downtstairs (across from the store I was going to buy my 3 muskateers from), had date bars (and other stuff), and I had enough ($2.11) to pay for it (I need to go to the bank machine.) yum! (that ‘yum’ was sarcastically written.)

2007-01-16T13:48:00.000-05:00

man, a 3 muskateer, is looking REAL good right now. i'm bored and it would cheer me up. i don't know what to do. i'm trying to endure. i've got this job. they pay me even. they're nice. it's relaxed. but i'm bored outta my mind. some days are real good though. some days not - like today. what do i do? do i just keep at it? if i didn't owe 10k, i'd quit. i want to find something else, but we all know that story. i don't know what to do. i'm getting that 3 muskateers at 3pm - even though i really shouldn't.

... i had a few

2007-01-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

it's my birthday in less than 2 months. on march 3rd, to be exact. i was born in 1973. do you know what that means? i'm going to be 34 years old! it's hitting me now - my age. like 34! i can't believe it. so, since it's a new year, and since i heard that as a procrastinator, it's good to set goals, these are mine:

1. get back in shape. i'm setting an 8 week goal, which will take me a week past my birthday.

2. look for/figure out a career. yes, i'm still working on this.

3. pay off my line of credit - for good! i've done it before. let this be the last time.

4. do more 'stuff'. Shel asked me what i did for fun. well, i go to the gym and then go out with friends once in awhile. to add to that, i'll be going to african dance class again, on tueday nights and maybe i'll start taking spanish classes again, once a week.

5. discover me. i started 'The Book of Secrets', by Deepak Chopra. so far, so good.

and to facilitate the above, i took today and yesterday off work. i had a bunch of projects that i needed to get done, so that i can start with a 'clean slate' next week. so far i've organised/put away all my mom's 'stuff' (there's a lot), that's in the basement, cluttering up the place. that took about 6-7 hours of work! i started organizing/decluttering the laundry room and today i painted part of the basement - 6-7 hours. and i took a bunch of stuff to the recycling centre. so most of the big stuff is done and i NEED to get all the little stuff finished this weekend.

on the sad side today

2007-01-09T09:46:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling sad today. Woke up from a strange dream this morning. They all are. Started to read a bit (this is at 6:30 am) – then the weird thing that happens to me sometimes, happened. I’m lying there and then everything speeds up/get’s loud. Like, every breath I take sounds 10 times louder than normal. Every tiny gurgle in my stomach, sounds as if it’s shouting. Every movement I make, seems super fast and every rustle of my arm against the bed, sounds like wind blowing fiercely. It’s very strange. And I can only try and wait patiently until it subsides. Does that happen to you? My sister says it happens to her, only in reverse – everything slows down. Odd. But really, other than that, the morning started off fine. But my gas from yesterday has continued into today. All day yesterday I was gassy and now again today too. I don’t know why. I’ve actually been eating really well or rather, minus any sweets – at all. And I discovered peppermint tea. Yummy! I had a cup, when I was at the Raptors/Wizards game this past Sunday, at the ACC (Air-Canada-Centre), which was my first live basketball game. It’s a sweet treat, in place of the chocolatey stuff I usually have. So now, that I’m at working, this malaise has overtaken me. Thinking that I’m not enjoying this. This is not my life. What I’m I going to do?

2006-12-31T03:19:00.000-05:00

i'm loving this photo for the sentiment it portrays and the dreamy, ethereal, sweet quality of it. and i like this and this and this. actually, she has so many beautiful pictures. i love her style.

i'm up. because i napped earlier. and now i can't fall back to sleep. also because i've now realised that i really don't like living in the basement. after 3 months [already!], it's hitting me now. i'm down here, with no natural light and feel so disconnected to the outside. also, i find it hard to go to sleep down here, cause it's soooo dark. i've taken to going to sleep with the t.v. on and setting the sleep timer on it, so it goes off after i'm out. i also have a night light. you might say, 'why not just hang out upstairs in the living room?'. i might say that was a very good idea. however, my mom's living room [shelly's witnessed this], is not made for living. my sister has offered to swith with me. i explained it to her. she says she wouldn't mind. i'd feel guilty though.

2006-12-29T18:29:00.000-05:00

why do i love sweets? sugar? because of the 'feeling' [short lived] of 'hapiness' it gives me. as a kid i enjoyed sugary treats as much as any other kid - but as a kid, my hapiness [for the most part], was quite independant of that. as an , that has changed for me. i'm not happy. despite knowing how truly blessed i am. i have no physical needs. i have to remind myself of that and give thanks. but yet, i'm not happy. i have another need, that is as yet, unfilled, which is to know who i am. to know my purpose and to be able to put it into practise. i long to do this, but to date, have not succeeded in determining it. what i have succeeded in doing, is to postpone solving my issue. how? by using sugar. that temporary 'hapiness' it gives. time and again, getting to low points. points at which [because they are low], i should use as an impetus to really start my self journey. but instead i turn to that temporary solution, that brings me 'up' and out of that state, where i realise i actually need to remain, for awhile, in order to be able to force myself to make a real change.

i fasted today. lot's of tea. and well, prunes too. i brought them along, in case i got really tempted [i ended up at a mall - with many treats abounding] to give in, and buy something. not eating for a day [or two. we'll see how i do tommorow], is not going to kill you. although we act like it will. but if it did, there certainl wouldn't be all the starving people there are in the world.

i need to committ to:

discipline - to not give up when it gets hard
courage - to try even if i think i might fail
timeliness - getting it done when i say i will - not procrastinate

boxing day...

2006-12-26T19:40:00.000-05:00

...and Christmas has come and gone. was it even here? didn't feel very 'christmas-y', what with there being NO SNOW! it is after all Toronto Canada. can we say, 'global warming'? or maybe, 'el nino'. something. anyhoo, no i didn't go out 'boxing' (shopping in the mad-packed malls) - all my money was spent pre-christmas. and no, i didn't really spend money buying items prior to x-mas, that on the day after (boxing day), would be on for '1/2 off', that would be silly. instead, we opted to give our nieces mall gift certificates and the adults forwent (can i say that, or is it 'forgoed'?) a real gift exchange. unless you're one of those people that buys gifts when they are on sale, throughout the year (who the heck does that? i'm not THAT organized.), then buying gifts in the weeks prior to christmas, seems rather ridiculus, as you'll be paying full price/or slightly discounted prices, for things that will be discounted further after christmas. besides, it's not supposed to be about the material gifts. so many people scrambling around, getting stuff, just because. because, so and so, got jane something last year. and maybe (likely), getting gifts that aren't even thoughtful, but just the best they could think of. next year, i think it'd be cool to do a 'secret santa'. everyone buys one unisex gift (with a price limit - say $25) then you pick names to see who chooses first. you have the option to keep or pick again. the next person that picks, has the option to 'steal' your gift or choose another. a little more fun (at least for my family - we're hard to buy for), i should think.

i got pics, but can't upload em. but x-mas dinner was:

mash potatoes and peas
fried plaintain (the tastey, un-mushy way my mom does them)
turkey
ham
curry goat
ox-tail (i passed on)
crab and callaloo (passed again)
green beans
and Peardax (spelling). tastey pear pop.

YUM!

Peace, Joy and Love.

in a dream

2006-12-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

I woke up with his mouth on my neck.

I was walking down the street to find the ferry dock. It was mid-afternoon. I was escaping from a wedding. Actually, from the religious zealots that were hosting it. I was just coming up to the street I needed to turn on, I thought. A man with a dog was walking behind me. I sensed that the dog was about to bark at me, but the man, ‘calmed’ it down, before it could. I heard mewling. I felt bad. All of a sudden, it was dark. My head was turned, trying to see street names, when I felt his mouth on my neck, biting or kissing it very aggressively. One hand was on the other side, cupping my neck. It frightened me.

That’s when I woke up – scared, in the dark of my basement room.

she looked cool

2006-12-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

"cool shoes". this i think to myself, as i'm walking through The Toronto underground (The Path), during lunch today, when i see a girl walk by in brown 'Chuck' style runners. there is a horde of people down here - more then usual [and usual is bad], because x-mas shopping time is running out. they're all down here on their lunches, eating and shopping. it's convienent when you work in one of the office buildings above. i hate it. under here, that is. just too many people. all going in the same direction. you have to fight to turn a corner or cross the 'lane'. claustrophobic. trying to get out as soon as i can. as soon as i get my oatmeal, chocolate chip muffin from Treats. what the? where'd the Treats stand go? that sucks! i was really looking forward to having that muffin. my absolute favorite and only Treat's makes it right. oh well. back up the escalator. there she is again. black hoodie. long white t-shirt peaking out at the hem. those cool brown runners, with the white soles and white stitching. funky cropped 'fro. she looks cool. she looks like she has a funky, creative job. she looks like she has a funky, creative life. she looks like someone i'd like to be. i wonder if anyone ever looks at me and thinks the same? or anything at all.

2006-12-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

my boss to me. "what are you doing?"
me: "nothing."

isn't my work day exciting?

what's taking so long?

2006-12-19T11:00:00.000-05:00

yesterday whizzed by. a pile of inputting and headphones plugged into Fergie, Amy, Beyonce and Lenny equaled a good day. today, not so much. I’m ‘pacing’ myself, while surreptitiously surfing sites (hee, hee). today, John has been serenading me sweetly. and Jimmy is on deck. it’s 11am. 1 hour to lunch - to a quick shopping excursion, to find a kris kringle gift. i’m thinking a back rub, if they come short and cheap.

i really wanted to write a good post tonight

2006-12-18T22:47:00.002-05:00

but i'm so tired now. and pissed now too, cause 'Internet Explorer encountered a problem' and had to shut down, so i lost the beginning of this post, even though i ctrl-c'd it. hmph. anyway. it was going to be about what my older sister said to me this weekend, how she wished she had a relationship like me and my younger sister have together. that we are 'so close'. i felt bad when she said that, and felt bad cause i couldn't deny it. not that i think that me and my younger sister have this 'super close relationship' or anythig, but we do have one. we do go out together - not all the time though. she has more friends then me and so goes out lot's without me. we also have more similar tastes in music, clothes and home decor, etc. and the fact that we are closer in age [i'm 2yrs 8months older then my younger sister and 5 years younger than my older sister], helps too. we also lived together a lot longer [until my younger sister moved out at 22/23], while my older sister had left home at about 16 and i was only 11. and it's a coincidence that she [my older sister], said that to me this weekend - cause i had been thinking the same thing. that i really don't talk to her. it's not that i don't like her or hanging out with her, but i just don't find i have a whole lot of stuff to say to her, outside of family stuff. she's just a lot different then me. i feel bad. i should make more of an effort to at least hang out with her [and my nieces]. sucks though, cause they live sortof far away.

i am so freaking out of shape

2006-12-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

i know this because up to an hour ago, my head was pounding. on getting out of the car earlier, to walk into the mall, my legs were sooo stiff.

i got up at 6:45 today. not because i wanted to. my alarm was set for 7. but because my mother was cooking. dinner at church tonight. i hate the smell of food cooking, when i'm sleeping. correction - when i am woken up by the smell of food cooking - because i absolutely cannot sleep with that smell wafting around. any other time, the smell of food, is good. real good. just not when i'm trying to catch some z's. so, it was only 15 mins early. i got ready and left to catch the Go Bus. i was scheduled to teach at the club, out by my former apartment [boo]. i was doing a favor for the group exercise director and subbing. the class wasn't until 10am and i had to leave at 7:42 to catch the 7:48 Go bus outta the Bramalea City Centre. luckily, today was a beautiful day. plus 12! like spring. if i had went straight to the gym, after transfering from the Go Bus onto T.T.C. and onto T.T.C. again, i would have arrived at 9am - one hour early. but i detoured to the store to pick a few items and arrived at a better time - 9:30. i was able to take my time, practise my stretch class (which sucked anyway) and get ready. the hi-lo class was good. they said so, anyway. but i didn't feel it was up to par. like i said, i'm so freaking out of shape. i couldn't do the whole class [or even half] with full intensity - and i'm the instructor. so, i'm thinking i'll start teaching at least one class a week again [and i'm still going to Good Life too], which will force me to get back into/stay in shape, so i can represent!

2006-12-16T17:57:00.000-05:00

-posting
-microwaved hot chocolate. extra, extra on the chocolate
-surfing for blogs, found saralovering.com, girlatplay.com and more
-microwaved hot chocoalte. extra chocolate.
-looking at new pics posted at Thatshelby and Thissidney.blogspot
-ripping cd's to itunes
-surfing the net. playing/changing blogger layout. trying out twitter.
-visiting with and taking pics my ex and his daughter.
-trying out twitter. ripping cd's to itunes. freezing laptop.
-surfing, watching t.v.
-being awaken by my mother, asking for the car keys
-sleeping, dreaming of somebody.

it's six now. above lists my ability to waste an entire day. off to tidy my 'room' (the basement) and make a rountine for the aerobics class i'm teaching tommorow morning.

2006-12-15T13:20:00.000-05:00

today, i finally did what i was scared to do. i told my bosses that i needed more work to do. they assured me that there's is lots to do, just that the person that who is to train me, has been too busy to take time from her schedule, to do it. but they said monday, i'd likely start. yay! i don't know why i was 'scared' to say anything. my boss told me it was good that i took the iniative and told her. obviously, an employee that wants to work more, is a good thing. i guess, no, i know, that i'm just really shy, when it comes to interacting with new people. especially since this group (the office is only 19 people,) is so tight knit. i feel like an outsider. also my personality, is very much the type that doesn't like to 'get in the way'. well, anyway, yay for more work on the horizon. which means i'll be less bored (and it helps that i'll have music to listen to on my pc), and therefore, will eat less and can keep on track to losing those few pounds(i wish only a 'few'), that i put on.

i walked over to the shoe store, the one where i got my new PF flyers from, on lunch. i 'need' one more pair (not neccessarily PF's). on my way back, i spotted a girl, waiting at the lights. pink vest, pink purse, pink undershirt and burgundy (same colour family) pants. first thought: 'she's a pink, profusion of prettiness.' hee, hee.

he looked like the ‘Littlest Hobo’. the dog sleeping, curled into the space of his hip. a sweet picture, but for the fact that the ‘he’, the dog lay next to, was asleep on a pile of dirty comforters, on the sidewalk.

can i help you?

2006-12-14T19:39:00.000-05:00

i think we choose not to see other's realities. it's really easy to look away, listen to your ipod or pull something outta your bag and pretend you don't see the outstretched hand. to flip the channels, when one of those christian.children's.fund commercials come on. we look away. we have excuses, because we have our own problems. we gotta fix us, before we can even think about helping someone else.

i think we can save the world. we just have to choose to do it. maybe choose to be a little 'uncomfortable' (no more morning latte's, no new Beyonce 'B Day' cd's, no new shoes). the trick is we all have to choose to do it. move past our selfishness. our self preservation, survival instincts. our id's. that innate urge to gratify/help ourselves first, acknowledging that helping someone else, is helping yourself.

it isn't that hard to help. we make it out to be. i don't have enough money to be able to make a difference. $100 isn't enough to get this person off the street. but maybe we can take smaller steps. maybe, first just acknowledging the person. i think that is the hardest. really looking at them and seeing that they have nothing. you have everything. dealing with the fact that you are so lucky. getting over the guilt that you are lucky. and then maybe stopping to talk. treating them as a person. not assuming that they must be messed up. addicted to some drug. have a mental illness. acknowledge that apart from the many homeless out there, that do suffer from those things, many are just people that had a bad turn of events. that maybe didn't have the family support to turn to, when really in need, and so ended up on the street.

altruism. helping someone else, with no regard for your well being. helping them, even if it means you might suffer. helping them with no gain outta it for you. we don't have to go so far as to suffer in helping someone - but we should at least try.

random thoughts

2006-12-14T15:33:00.000-05:00

How do you walk past a man asleep on the sidewalk, on top of a grill venting warm steam? Or past a man with a sign and a cup out, hoping for some change? Or past a man, digging for change in a parking meter? Then how do you go into that store and buy food or clothes or even stuff you don’t need – maybe even on credit?

Here I am, concerned how my new $24.00 dollar t-shirt (not including gst and pst) cost and how my new $100 PF Flyer runners look (so cool). Trivial things, compared to the guy that’s sleeping on the street. If it’s cold out, I say ‘better put on anther sweater or maybe wear my Kitchen Orange super warm down jacket.’ Or just maybe, if cold enough outside, I just stay inside. The man on that vent though, doesn’t have a choice. He’s gotta make the clothes on his back suffice. Of course they don’t, or he wouldn’t be there.

More empathy and altruism? Do I have a path there?

I’m here (work). Everyone has something. A job/title. A purpose here. Me, I fill the ‘gaps’. Input data. But it’s not enough. Even if I did what they did, it wouldn’t be enough. I’d be busy, but would still feel like I’m not actually doing anything. A baby though – that’s a purposeful task. Caring for and teaching. Definitely something that would demand my full attention all the time. My ex said that he’s still in love with me. We talk. That he still thinks of me every single day. I still smile at the thought of having a baby with him. It’d be good. But complicated? When you think about it, it’s only complicated if you make it. So what if people talk? Say, how could you go back to him? The only question is did I really forgive him? Yes. And do I believe that he is truly sorry for what he did and wouldn’t do it again? Yes.

not a happy list

2006-12-12T20:52:00.000-05:00

- i can't be bored. if i'm bored, i eat. it's as simple as that.
- useless. i feel so.
- ironic that i'm getting paid to 'ask for' work to do.
- i need a man/husband that will take care of me (i've got a prospect). i'll have a baby and teach group exercise classes and personal train part-time. And, i can also take courses at a local college in photography and design and i'll learn to cook. i can be a 'sahm' or better yet, a 'milf'. i could, couldn't i?

2006-12-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

today really didn't start out good. weird dream. unexpected morning laundry. left late. got on the wrong bus. seriously debated just not going in. instead of hopping onto the subway at Yorkdale, i thought of turning around and taking the go bus straight back home. if i had my own place [if i did, would this day have existed?], i would have. but to turn back, with my mom and dad at home, would have been too many questions, seeing as i'd have to also head out later for a 2pm doctor appointment then to teach a class at 6:30. what would i have told them? 'i just don't feel like working today.' ya, that wouldn't fly. no way out and so i continued in to work. and then i talked to a friend. normally that'd be a good thing, but then they asked a questioned that triggered tears. i had to run into the bathroom. luckily, i did have that doctor's appointment, and so left at 1pm. i had originally said that i was going to be back at 3/3:30 but then today, definitely didn't want to come back and thought i might just call to say so, after the appointment, but then my 'boss', said 'you're not coming back after, right?' and i agreed. doctor appointment went well, then time to kill time to teaching [2 classes i wasn't prepared to teach] at 6:30/7:30 pm. it was 3pm. ended up shopping and spending money i didn't have. but i did feel better after. sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. ended i'm two decent classes too. the 2nd class, everyone loved and were disappointed i didn't teach it regularly. guess i worried for nothing.

2006-12-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

i think it's a cycle. i should be saying 'deja vu'. i'm sure i've written this many times before. i'm bored. i'm tired. my life has no meaning. without meaning - i can't do. i can't work at a boring job, without something (meaningful) to push me along. i was just talking to a friend. he knows me. knows how i am. how things always go for me. he said, 'go for a trip. or just pack up and move somewhere else. maybe a change of 'scenery', would do me good. you got no debt right? right?' sadly, i do. of course. because the last time i moved out, i did it on a 'whim' and couldn't really afford to. and other stuff - and i have debt. a year's worth, to get rid of. and i'm lost again. and don't know what to do. and i'm tired of singing the same fucking song over and over and over again. and i don't want any advice, cause no-one understands and i don't listen anyway.

2006-12-10T10:28:00.000-05:00

so it's my dad's birthday today. 65! and he's retiring. it's official in Jan, but he hasn't worked the last two months. i wished him a happy birthday and he said that he hopes i get to live to 65 too.

i was talking to a friend earlier. this is his second last day of working two jobs (he works full time afternoons - 3:45 to 12am and then gets up at 6am to work from 6:30 to 8 or 10am at his 'part-time' - including weekends). in january he's heading back to school during the day and working evenings. anyway, when i said it was my dad's birthday, he said he wished he could retire too - like at 35 (he's 29). he'd travel,etc. i couldn't say the same - that i'd want to retire/travel. why? cause i don't have anything to retire from. it's not like i'm doing anything (work) that is hard and challenging (in a good way), that i feel i deserve to take a break from. so the idea of retiring for me doesn't work. i don't 'do' anything now, so having time to do 'nothing' (whatever you want), doesn't really hold any appeal for me. does that make sense? does to me. that whole no focus/purpose thing. ya, i'm still working on it.

2006-12-08T14:51:00.000-05:00

i'm bored. everyone (well in 'my' dept.) is downstairs watching a movie (part of their jobs). i've eaten WAY too much junk today - due to boredom. that's how it ALWAYS goes. oh well. will.make.my.way.to.the.gym.TO-DAY! hoping it won't be packed. i hate when it's full or the anxiousness of trying to get there early enough to secure a spot. and did i mention it's frigging cold up here? well it is. but i'm fairly toasty, in my long, down filled coat. 'cept, i gotta get some winter tights - then i'm really toasty.

you're darn right it tastes yummy!

2006-12-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

so i'm waiting for the train at St. Andrew station last night. I had bought an O'henry at the Gateway store in my office building as I left last night, and was now pulling it outta of my bag to unwrap and eat. as i'm doing this, another commuters walks down the platform and stands up on my right side, which is the direction the train is also coming from and so i'm looking in that direction. so i'm unwrapping my chocolate bar. she glances over. i figure the sound and the movement catch her attention and she looks over instinctively. i take a bite. she looks again. as i continue eating, she is litterally staring down my chocolate bar! i was like, 'why is she so focused on my chocolate bar?' she must've been jonesing hard, cause next thing i know, with a last glance at my bar, she pulls out a package of extra gum and unwraps one to chew.

all i got

2006-12-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

Jogging. Light and easy. Breathing – just a bit harder now. Reach and pull. Dynamically stretch. And jog again. Longer this time. Breathing harder. But it’s good. Feels good. Heart starting to pump – hard. I’m so out of shape. Squat jump front. Wide squat back. I like this. I’m going to use it in the class I’m subbing this Saturday. Tired now. When’s the next break? Water. Run – again. Add some plyometrics. More running. Phew. Cooling down. I can literally see the steam evaporating off my body! So wet. Feel good though. Needed that.

Strawberry, Banana, Nutella crepe, anybody? Looks really good. Nice and fat. Tastes good. Hmm… but the strawberries are too tart. He got the Compote and canella crepe (Apple sauce and cinnamon). That is toooo funny. It arrives flat as a pancake. Like barely anything there. He gets strawberries added. Better. Hmmm, but the sauce isn’t very sweet and his is bland tasting. Nutella, all the way.

Déjà vu. He’s okay. Good story. Intriguing. What the heck? Paradox! Paradox! Oh, I sort of get it now. I hate that thing he does with his lip. How old is he again? Not bad. Why they gotta make it so obvious. Oh no! Not bad at all.

2006-12-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

jeffery won Project Runway (does anyone else watch this, besides me - the fashion design graduate?). he is a great designer - but he was a BITCH the entire show. a bad attitude but great style.

2006-11-30T23:30:00.000-05:00

so like that whole 'no sugar' thing, didn't happen. did you really think it would? anyway, i'm am now on track for eating to lose the 10-15 lbs i gained since stopping teaching [aerobics] in september and the subsequent increase in consumption of all things sweet and chocolatey [due to 'issues']. now you'll be pleased to hair that i'm eating healthy [fruit is being eating on a daily basis!] and i had 4 bowel movements today! i'd like to say i'm the olympic champion of bowel movements, if i do say so myself. [hee, hee]. oh and this eating, does not exclude 'treats' - everything in moderation [in this case, less than moderate, as i have to restrict calories to be in a deficit - along with the increased physical activity - to burn more calories than i'm taking in] and thus my grand fat reduction in the next few months. on another note, i hung out with J. last weekend. actually, i slept over friday night [to my mothers utter chagrin - to put it oh so mildly]. saturday, we did mundane things together and it was so very nice.

interesting indeed

2006-11-17T15:19:00.000-05:00

I came across the following link at her site. It's a documentary (there's four parts to it on you.tube) on the black hair industry and the fact that it is dominated by non-black owners (koreans). Besides the fact that black's rely so heavily on (certain) hair products (that's a whole other issue), I thought that this was a very intriguing topic and something to make you go hmm...

Aron Ranen's Black Hair Documentary
note: There are four parts, about 5-10 minutes each to the documentary.

--------------------------

Today is day 1 of my self inflicted 21 day sugar fast, inspired by her.
If anyone knows me - you know how much I LOVE sugar. Yes, I will eat a spoonful of sugar, if I'm desperate. An interesting challenge for me. So far, I realised that I really can't eat that itty bitty pack of sesame snaps that I bought at lunch because it's basically seeds and processed sugar. I can do it, yes I can.

he said

2006-11-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

"It's nice that we can hang out like this and it not have to be 'sexual'".

I like that - about him.

still a girl

2006-11-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

So one of the exercises in What Color is Your Parachute, is that I had to write down 10 words that described me/things I am. Then write, 'what turns me on', about being that. So the first one is...

A girl

Why?
Because I don't feel like a 'woman'. That being a woman seems to assume that I've got it 'together'. That I know what I'm doing. That I'm mature and stable and have a 'career' and money and dress 'nice'(grown up). And have a family and husband and house and lot's of friends. And I'm not/don't have these things. I'm 33 and it seems old. That I should look a certain way. Dresses and suits and that's not me.

I feel like I got big - but that I haven't really progressed. I'm just older. In fact, I feel like I've only lost things. Lost the innocence/beauty of childhood. The fearlessness of childhood, when I would want to do something and just do it. Not complicate it by overthinking it - thinking maybe I can't, before even trying. As a kid, you only found out you couldn't do something by trying first. And then if it didn't work, either trying again till it did work or not caring and doing something else, if it didn't!

(Kids have) The ability to drop things and move on - not dwell on it. Just do something else fun.

So if I feel like a 'girl' still - then it 'turns me on' because I can still use those childlike qualities. I can still try things, without the fear of failing. That I can try something else if one thing doesn't work. And that it's okay to do that. That as a 'girl', I still have lots of opportunities/time to do things (not really, really ;-). I can still experiment and search.

oh and it's HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Tania today!

a little personality

2006-11-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

so someone mentioned that i haven't been posting and they've been checking my blog daily to see if there were any changes. well, i didn't have regular access to a pc for awhile - so that's why.

well, i'm again reading 'What Color is Your Parachute?' - and this time, really doing the exercises. It's a fair bit of work and I hope it will really help to figure out what the right career for me is, so I can get a job and stick with it.

anyway, i'm doing some personality testing online today (the free ones) and i came across the following at Keirsey.com.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DIFFERENT DRUMMERS
Excerpted from Please Understand Me II
Copyright © 1998 by David Keirsey

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offsping, your friend, or your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear to you as right -- for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

2006-08-26T15:52:00.000-04:00

I've always loved back to school time. September. Even though December 31st is heralded as bringing in the 'new year', September has always felt like the true start of a new year for me. A hold over from 'school days'. That anticipation after summer vacation. Waiting for that first day of school, when you get to see all your school friends, that you didn't see over the summer. See all the changes that occured. Anticipate meeting new friends and being in new classes. With new clothes and books. It's a fresh start, September. And this September will again be one of change for me. I'm waiting for the the leaves to start turning and the crisp fall air to arrive, so I can get started.

how hot was it?

2006-08-03T13:58:00.000-04:00

So i slept on my balcony the night before last (Mon Aug 1st). Well technically, it was Tuesday, cause it was 6am. You see, Toronto (and other parts of North America) had been experiencing a heat wave of sorts. It's not so much the heat - that I can deal with - but the extreme humidty that gets me. I heard that it was as hot as 46 celsius with the humidex factored in. That's damn hot. So I got asthma. 'Wet' air, I'm not so good at breathing. I did okay during the day, although I was very uncomfortable, cause you'd sweat/drip, just while sitting! Went to bed with the fan on and tossed and turned all night. Finally got up at 4am. Roamed my apartment. Rearranged a lamp. Then thought, there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep in the apartment. If only I had a lounge chair? (I'd intended to buy one on the weekend, but they didn't have any at Ikea. I did get a great glass t.v. cum coffee table though! link). So I thought how can I get to sleep out on my balcony, with no lounger? 1 cardboard box from coffee table purchase. 1 purple yoga mat. This equalled one happy camper ;-) I layed them out on the balcony, laid down and felt relief. For a couple hours anyway. My balcony faces the parking lot and I'm only on the 5th floor, so I went in when it started getting light at 6:30, cause I didn't want anyone to see how ghetto I was - or rather, why is that lady lying on the floor of her balcony? Well anyway, you can bet that when I get my proper lounger (on sale at wal-mart right now, but I'm broke :-( ), I will be doing some sleep outs!

[Oh - and the pic above is my apartment. I painted - again. I think I'm only gonna keep that one wall green and then paint the rest a browny-gray colour.]

home

2006-07-21T09:10:00.000-04:00

well, this is my kitchen, actually. click here for a tour of my apartment. click 'view as slideshow' in top right corner, for optimal viewing. if you click on each picture during the slideshow, it will shrink and show you the comments i wrote about it.

i keep saying how my apartment is too big. it really is. too big for one lone person. i pay for it though. it's not cheap. the area is okay. 5 minute walk to the subway. but i'm all the way out at Islington and Bloor. i'd love to be in the heart of downtown - even if i can only afford a balconyless bachelor. living so close to everthing would be worth it. i'll continue to dream ;-)

huh?

2006-07-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

"Darwinian period of capitalism [winnowed] the weaker businesses out of the economy," he said.

I don't get this. What does it mean when the word is put into quotes? If you were to take the word out of the sentence, then it wouldn't make any since. So why then is it in quotes? Anybody, anybody...

my new shoes!

2006-07-13T19:48:00.000-04:00

I have an interview tommorow and I needed shoes to wear, seeing as all my clothes are casual track pant stuff, from working in fitness the past year or two. I got both of these for the low canadian dollar price of $38.43. They were$22.50 and $25.00 respectively, but they had a "buy one, get the second half off" sale! Yipee! I looove them. I'm soooo not into heels and it's soooo hard to find shoes that fit my wide size 8.5/9 feet. Now my feet are happy! The sandals are very cute too. They've got a tiny little heel, which is just okay to walk in - a bit wobbly though. I wonder if I can remove the heel? [click here for more photos on flickr.]

what weekend?

2006-07-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

boy - did i have one. a BUSY weekend that is.
saturday i taught my 10:15 step then 11:15 am aerobics classes. came home, showered and ate Delisio, which is some GOOD frozen pizza! I like it cooked 'lightly', so the bottom is still doughy, NOT crispy. honestly, this pizza is way better then anything from PizzaPizza or the other walk-in chains. If you're in the T.O. area though, you MUST check out 'The Magic Oven'. now THEY seriously make good pizza AND it's all like organic and vegan ingredients (if you want). i had the 'Chicken McDuff' i think it was called. chicken pieces - seasoned!, tomatoes, green pepper, cheese and some seriously good tasting marinara type sauce. seriously, if you're in Toronto, they've got a location off of King Street, just a block east of Dufferin, on Jefferson Street (Liberty Village/Parkdale area) and a location on the Danforth at 788 Boardview. so, then i headed out to yonge and bloor at 'Burgundy's to meet a friend of mine. she'd gone there to watch the Portugual - Germany game. she's a germany fan, so it's a good thing they won. she was all decked out in her germany white baseball cap and white germany t-shirt and even made some new friends also supports of germany. from there, about 4 /4:30 or so, we headed down Yonge st. there were a number of events happening in the city over the weekend. One was the annual 'Street Festival' at major intersections along Yonge street. We stopped at Yonge and Dundas to listen to some reggae and watch some latin dance. then we cut thru the Eaton Centre and walked through Nathan Phillips Square, having just missed the Art Fair. We were trying to make it up to Queens' Park for the Afrofest (music, food, dance,PEOPLE drumming, art/crafts, jewellery and clothing, etc. for sale), but had to stop at a new Timmies on the corner of University ave, to re-fuel. We finally made it to Afrofest, at about 9:30. it was dark but still lots of people and huge line ups for the massive amounts of food still available. walked out of Queen's Park and through Victoria University (U of T) - a part of Toronto I had never stepped foot on before and then headed home. needless to say, i was pooped, arriving home at 11:40pm. only to have to get up early, so i could make my way to church for the 10:30am service. from there i left and went down to Harbourfront for a 2pm breakdance performance by a group from colombia - Style Force Break Dance. went to the 'Power Plant' - free all summer long - and looked at some art - Annie Pootoogook and Angela Bulloch. talked to an acquaintance who started a clothing line 'Paru Paro' and has a booth at harbourfront. listened to some funky music stylings by a trio - but I didn't get their name although i think it's Amir Ebrahimnia and Simon Rojas - but a girl was singing. suffice to say - i loved them. then watched a bit of the Pop, Lock and Load III final break-dance battle. from there, although i was quite ready to curl up and sleep, I walked up to Queen's park, back to Afrofest- because my sister and her friend, who had just arrived back in toronto that afternoon from a road trip to Nagshead, Washington and NYC - were going and I wanted to meet them. by the end of the night - i was completely done. but it was an awesome weekend. so much to do and take advantage of in Toronto - all for free!!

2006-07-07T23:33:00.000-04:00

what i'm up too...

2006-07-06T15:25:00.000-04:00

[click on the photo]

taking photo's with my new camera.[fun] trying to re-paint my living room [frustration]. loving my newly repainted kitchen [joy]. trying to figure out what job to look for.[unsure] teaching classes here and there [cash]. reading "A Purpose Driven Life" and going to church again.[faith] in the in-between, not really doing a whole heck of a lot [waste].

2006-06-21T00:16:00.000-04:00

............................
"i am not a mistake."

ghost in the machine?

2006-06-19T20:49:00.000-04:00

.........................................
"It's not about me."

2006-06-15T08:47:00.000-04:00

so checking the response to the comment i left on a old high school friends m.y. s.p.a.c.e. page (shel it's mo! she's coming back to toronto. have you talked/emailed her recently?), asking her what her plans are once she returns, she says a 5 month ministry course (dependant), then a 2 month trip to Seoul for a read-a-thon (she'd been teaching over in Korea) and then on her return, taking on the directorship of a childrens foundation in BC! and what am i doing? geez...

2006-06-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

i feel a little schizophrenic (no dictionary! ;-) i was happy - but now i feel lost - again. i feel like without having a partner - a man (dating him doesn't seem to be working) - without having the near future possibility of having a family - a baby - that my life has no focus. that the only focus, reason for being here, is to have a baby, family. i hate this feeling. but i'm feeling it right now.

happiness - By Alfred D. Souza

2006-06-05T08:35:00.000-04:00

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting; until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

a meme

2006-06-02T08:10:00.000-04:00

.
idea from, (cause i don't think i did it right) her.

List up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any ‘comment speculation’

i wish she was my best friend. that i could call her anytime and not feel like i'm bothering her. i like her style. i think she's beautiful and can sang! we have the same taste in music and home decor (with some exceptions). i used to feel like she was passing me by and i hated it. now i feel we're at the same place and that's ~~good~~okay.

he was my best friend. now we're at a transitional place and wondering if we can be friends, but there are other factors that will limit that...

i love her. but i don't connect with her the same as i do with her. i should make an effort to be with her more. i know that it effects her that i'm not.

i love her. she bugs me. she loves me.

he's always been there when i needed him. i don't think i'm as close to him as i should be.

he's my new best friend. we always have fun together. it's always 'cool' with him. don't know where/if 'it's' going anywhere. just working on the 'friendship' right now.

i don't feel connected to her anymore - which is sad. i think it's because of the distance. and i don't feel like i'm needed by her. (by most people actually.)

we chat. we hang out. she's there if i need to rant. but i don't like to bug her like that.

--------------------------------

this just solidify's for me how few friends i have. i lose the one's i had and i'm not good at developing new ones. c'est ma vie.

double riding

2006-05-31T18:04:00.000-04:00

iyeeeeeeee!!!!
that's the sound of me screaming as i hold on for my life to J's waist as we careened down the sidewalk.

i rode my bike into Toronto-Spadina and College from Etobicoke-Bloor Islington. took me only 45 mins! perfect timing, as J. was just finishing work at Spadina and College. we end up walking (with my bike) along College towards Dufferin, where he was to meet his sister. he was going to stop at Bathurst and take the street car to the subway and onto Dufferin station, but as luck dictated, his sister was late and we had time to walk all the way to Dufferin. then, because i didn't want to leave him yet - i always have such a good time when i'm with him - i suggested, instead of him taking the Dufferin bus down to his place - Parkdale - than land of the, 'is everyone a crack head here?' - that he 'double-ride' me. he thought handle bars - i said, nooooo like this. note well: my idea. so, i became the passenger, he the peddler. and we're off, south on Dufferin from college. and the screams begin. lord! remember double riding from back in the day? as a kid? as a little kid? with no fear? it's a whole different experience as an adult, who is all too aware of her mortality(right word?) so ya, i'm hanging on to J.s waist, as we pick up speed down the sidewalk. i thought i had it easy, as the passenger. but it was a huge effort to keep my legs up of the ground and as close into the bike as possible,lest they be chopped off by the bricked in front yards and fire hydrants we were passing,at death speeds. and i can't see where i'm going - so it's scary as heck - all my trust is in J. that he won't stair to close to a wall. so the entire time we're going down the street, i'm screaming like a banshee - this is now midnight. we turn the corner, you know where Dufferin cuts off and turns onto Queen, across from the Drake. I'm screaming cause we're going too fast and i'm wondering (cause I can't see) if there is possibly someone coming from the other direction. there was - a couple - luckily they heard my screams and were able to get out of the way. somehow we made it all the way. Okay, so it was exhilirating (as my lifed flashed past my eyes). now, J., when we'd first met up that night, kept saying how he really has to get a bike now (after seeing me with mine). how he, really, really wants one. well we make it to King and Dufferin - crack head city - literally, and wouldn't you know it, around the corner comes a guy, who offers J. the bike he's on for $60 bucks. whaddya know! he got what he wanted. it's always fun with J.

night out

2006-04-20T08:56:00.000-04:00

moving a little slower this morning. definitely wish i could just sit back and chill for the day. why? because i got in at 2am, after seeing, "she's the songstress and we're all right, i'm the floacist and we all right...", Floetry at the Phoenix in Toronto. It was a nice enough crowd. My sis T. and girlfriends A. D. and J. went. Let me just say, that it was a long day for me yesterday. Up at 5am to go to work until 3pm. Left from work to do the kids program. Left from there to go to an information meeting on a group exercise certification (Group Groove - a dance, exercise class - so much fun!), from 7:30 to 8:30. Left straight from there and walked over to Phoenix for 9pm. The doors opened at 8pm, and when i got there the opening act was on. She was pretty good. A local artist. Our friend J. said that Masia One is actually more 'ghetto' (7) than she is. And J. is asian herself. (get it? Masia) She did however rhyme over a M.I.A. beat (Galang), so in my eyes she lost a little originality points in that sense. Partly because, i think that the majority of that crowd doesn't now M.I.A. and so can't appreciate the oringal source, but were grooving to the beat thinking it was 'original'. whatever that really is. then Goapele took the stage. this was my first time seeing or hearing her. i'd heard the name only. She was very, very good. i grooved to all her songs, not knowing any of them. she had a very good presence. and then it was time for the 'main' act. Floetry took the stage. everyone was hype. this was my first time seeing them fully. they had opened at the Sugarwater Festival last year with Queen Latifah, Erykah Badu and Jill Scott, but I was late arriving and didn't catch much. so they started off strong - but then we hit a slow patch. beautiful songs, but they slowed the tempo right down and some people got a little antsy. a wednesday night, when probably the majority of people worked that day and had to head out early to work the next morning, is not the best crowd to do an extended slow groove with. i myself was being lulled to sleep. some slightly intoxicated guys behind me T. and J. (A. and D. left early because of work), were complaining loudly. we ended up leaving early too, as my sis T. was not feeling well (a day of much shopping, little eating and a couple of 'drinks', will do that to ya.) it was all good though. nice to get out. nice to hear live music. no doubt.

--------------------------------
7. ghetto
poor/urban person, place, or thing; originated from German language not the blacks
so if another race than blacks says ghetto doesn't mean their trying to be black,

in fact, no ones trying to be black they are just under the gangsta influence of their own race (ex.AZN, chicos, whites, pros)Krakow Ghetto Liquidation where many Jews were killed by Nazi soldiers

almost

2006-04-17T16:21:00.000-04:00

the month is just flying by. and i'm getting excited. i'm here at work reading loobylu and maganda and feeling creative. wanting to be anywhere but here, doing - making something. i'm currently in a spring clean/re-organize/decorate mode at home. i re-arranged my apartment - yet again. and i'm really starting to love, love it. design wise. went to walmart on the weekend - inspired to fix up my bathroom. i had all of 2 bath towels. so i purchased a 'set' (it's just me, afterall) of new towels (4 bath, 3 hand, 2 face) along with the prettiest soap dish and glass (gotta go back for the toothbrush holder). with some rearranging, my bathroom, with the addition of a nice green plant on top of my toilet tank, looks very nice, if i do say so. working on the bedroom, living room and kitchen. i'm really realising how much i don't like 'stuff'. don't like knick knacks and too many little things/decorations hanging around. for me, they get in the way. add to much visual clutter. and i can't deal with too many visual distractions - makes me anxious and not able to focus. so i'm really taking a good look at what i use and what i dont and getting rid of the unneccessary stuff. i'm on a good track - just so anxious to really dive into my huge to do list. this, i get to do at the end of the month. then i'll have lot's of time do all this stuff (along with painting my old room in my parents house). time to 1)design and sew and reorganize 2)read about yoga (i just got certified to teach it) 3) brush up on my spanish (starting back taking classes in may!) 4)participate in more great aerobic classes at the gym 5)ride my bike (after i tune it up - it had a lonely winter on the balcony) and in-line skate 6)walk around Queen's Park (and other Toronto areas) and take some photo's with my 'new' old 35mm camera 7) and maybe do some Personal Training, at a club or strike out on my own (my sis, at least, wants me to train her - and she'll pay me too!) 8)and read "What Color is Your Parachute (among others) and learn about me and what job will nourish me and keep me excited about doing it.

signs
- D.'s (the guy at work) wife gave birth to a baby girl - yay!
- an acquaintance of mine, emailed me to say that her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer Feb 9th and passed on Mar 25th
- D.'s Dad's partner has a brain tumour
- the shootings, stabbings, robberies that can be seen nightly on the news

do i need any more?

panda joke (<-- link)

2006-03-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

the last few days/week have been beyootiful here! spring has arrived! yay,yay, yipee! Now that it's no longer pitch black at 7am and still bright at 5pm!, life is returning. Now the sucky part is, that my current job situation and other stuff, prohibits me from properly enjoying this return of lightness properly. See the thing is i currently work 11-7pm! (which means i don't get home until 8:30pm, 3 nights out of the week - and therefore don't get to enjoy the springy brightness of the p.m. hours. And then 2 days i work 7-3pm, but one of those days, i head straight from work, to my kids program and then dont get home until 7pm - again missing out on the not darkness. So that leaves 1 1 day during the week, to take advantage of, but that day doesn't star until next week thursday, once i finish teaching my last evening classes (5:30 and 6:30-7:30) this week. but 1, is not enough. the differing shifts during the week, are not enjoyable, so that means that i must find another source of employment - because i both loathe the getting up at 5am to be at work for 7am and dislike intensely the leaving work at 7pm thing. and quick snap, before spring/summer is full upon us - and i'm stuck indoors missing out on the sunshiney weather!

so what job do i find? that's a BIG question. i'm currently reviewing my past jobs, to try and get a sense of what i can do long term, with out getting bored and realise that I have had no less than 30 jobs in my lifetime! in all of that, i should be able to find at least one clue - right?

don't you?

2006-03-22T09:43:00.000-05:00

i hate that feeling. of being an imposter. posing day in, day out. not really being you. smiling that smile. and thinking on the inside 'whatever'. i don't like it. it's not right. and it's not fair to other people or to myself. i'm going to be embarking on a search. starting this weekend. i'll be searching out career/aptitude tests online in an attempt find out what position/job i can find in the interim, that i can do without losing interest and becoming bored, until i finally discover my 'purpose'. I don't think i'll be figuring out my purpose any time soon, but i think i'll be content until then, if i can find a job that stimulates me enough and that i can do for awhile (more than a 6 months to a year), without getting that itch to cut and run. if you know of any good career/aptitude testing sites, send 'em my way!

just a bit...

2006-03-21T08:14:00.000-05:00

sick. my eye looks like this:
it started on saturday afternoon. just a small bump on the inside of my lid. then it was just a bit swollen. felt weird, but decided it wasn't enough to stop me from going out dancing saturday night. went to this monthly at The Rivoli, called Footprints. The music was pretty awesome. Funk, Old school hip-hop, Latin, Rock (a la 'dancy Jimmy Hendrixy' sounding stuff - which was pretty cool to dance to), Ska, and others i'm sure i'm missing. I'm there on April 22 for their 4 year anniversary! Sunday, did the program with the kids. was supposed to go swimming, but begged off because of my eye. yesterday it was a little more swollen and now today, even worse. my sister says it's a 'sty' or something. whatever that is and could last a week! it hurts to blink and sneeze. last night it give me a 'shot' of pain. and i woke up with my eye all crusted together. gross. trying not to go into work today, but gotta get someone to cover my shift for that to happen. i'll go in for 3 (to 7) if i have to and just sit at the desk.

thought this was interesting

2006-03-21T07:44:00.000-05:00

2006-03-09T08:10:00.000-05:00

Check it out, if you're in New York.
Rhett George at the The Cutting Room, Monday March 20th @ 8pm. <--link

3.3.33!

2006-03-03T11:26:00.000-05:00

Stephen Kings,"The Wolves of the Calla - Dark Tower V", is what i'm reading. and it's been awhile since i've read, proper. i am a reader, you know. the kind, that as a kid, would go to the library every saturday. actually i lived, all of maybe 2 blocks from the local library, from the ages of 12 to 18/19 - so the walk was quite literally 5 minutes. i'd go and stroll the aisle's, looking for new spines, new books i hadn't seen yet. that old adage, "don't judge a book by it's cover", doesn't apply here. i did. it was the only way to CHOOSE from the oh so many books there were to read. i had no choice but to decide by the cover and a quick read of the back cover description - else i'd be in there for days (not so bad), otherwise. the limit, before getting my 'adult' library card, was 10 books - and i took out the max, each time i went. the summer i was 13, when i became 'a woman', i could be found on my 5th floor, balcony, reading. my chair tipped back on the concrete wall, legs dangling, for hours. i literally read a book and a half a day. (actually, that summer i was out on the balcony reading when i 'became a woman' - finally noticing that odd, uncomfortable dampness, after sitting for so long in the tipped back chair.) i would finish my whole allotment of books in time to return them and get a whole new set, the following saturday. i've loved to read for a long time. i can recall the library at my public school. i remember the 'dewy decimal' system. the large rectangle, cardboard place markers, you used, when searching for books. i remember (vaguely) getting my first 'real' library card - to the public! library. when it was still a yellow folded rectangle, that they wrote your name on, to identify you as an official library patron. that was grade 1, i think.

the allure of books? well, the stories, that take you elsewhere. you, with them. you get so caught up. the decription and detail, no movie could match. the book is always better. and the time fly's (or flie's?) and your mind is challenged to believe in these stories, or 'other worlds', places, times, 'when's'. if you're not a 'reader'. i guess you just don't get it. but if you are, you know the feeling. getting so caught up in a story that you just don't break out of it. that you start dreaming it. or even talking in the 'lingo' that the particular story your reading, uses. (common with Stephen king 'fantasy type books'.) there's been many an occasion that i've read an entire day - 5/7 hours, straight (The Talisman, The Clan of the Cave Bear series). there's a need to finish the story and why not, it's right there, to be finished. and i'd forgotten what it's like. i hadn't done it in so long. why? i'm not sure. when did it happen, or rather stop happening? might've been when i started dating curtis - the ex. started saving more time for him. but not to put it solely on him. i was become 'an adult'. with responsibilities and 'things to do'. weekends, as they were when i was a teen/early twenties during college, were no longer solely my own. there was shopping to do (groceries, etc.). classes to attend (and/or teach aerobics). friends to hang out with. boyfriends to see.
but as a teen/child, the weekends where all my own. 'cept maybe for homework. although, i don't recall having all that much, way back in the day / and during college, i got my stuff done mostly during the week. and so, i always had ample oppurtunity to read the day away, if i chose. as i often did at some point during the weekend. and i was a bed time reader too. the day always ended with me curling up with a book, on my right side. with the full intention of drifting off to sleep, while reading. bedside lamp, left on. back in those days, my mother would undoubtly, come in at some point and turn the light out. they were always concerned - my parents. they thought reading with the lamp light would ruin my eyes. at one point, they actually thought i was reading too much. actually told me to go outside or watch t.v.! ha! wouldn't happen now, would it? and those are the days i miss. always on the read. i always had one book going and when i got 3/4 the way through it, i always carried a second to have ready when i finished the first. and boy did that save me, time after a time. you never know when you are going to get 'stuck' someplace and need to kill time. well, i was always prepared. locked out of my apartment? no problem, i had a book to while away the time. at one point, one of my favorite reading spots was our bathroom. odd as that is, it was. i'd lock myself in. sit with my back againist the door and read. while my family scratched their heads. don't worry, we had a second bathroom. but did i say it already?, those are the days i miss. and i finally realise it now. that's one of the things i am missing. from now on - i going to hold true to my love of reading. something that is both entertaining and oh so calming at the same time. you should try it!

he is:

would you?

2006-02-26T18:26:00.000-05:00

i was stopped on the street by a girl needing directions. she asked which bus would take her towards the highway as she was heading towards etobicoke. no wait, she said manitoba. she wanted to get to the highway, so she could hitch a ride to manitoba. that's like 2-3 PROVINCES west of ontario (okay - only one. had to check an atlas, but still)! i wished her luck, after pointing her in the direction of the right bus stop.

what's the stereotype?

2006-02-25T07:26:00.000-05:00

[click on above pic]

are you that brave?

2006-02-24T16:13:00.000-05:00

the other day - on a crowded rush hour subway train, i saw something beautiful - a mother breast feeding her child. it was very discreet. the child was drifting off to sleep. but i thought how brave! not that breast feeding - something so innate to humans, animals - should be brave - but with the way our society has developed - anything to do with showing flesh - is sexualised, or considered perverse. and i just thought, imagine, she's decided to nurture her child - despite the possible backlash, negative commentary and stares from people that she might be subject to - however in the wrong, those people would be. i hope, if i get the chance, that i would be so brave.

updates

2006-02-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

well, i haven't been here in a bit. i usually haven't had the time to blog from work (between, teaching classes, personal training - and the fact that i share a pc) and at home - i haven't been motivated. usually i'd blog on the weekends - but they've been busy as of late - and i only had the energy to read y'alls ;-)

so updates:

1)i'm moving. yes again. yes, so soon - seeing as i just got my place this past september - only 7 months - as i'm moving at the end of march! something 'came up' and i felt it a good idea to move back home. yes, it is going to be a HUGE challenge - as i LOVE my apartment. it really is cute. huge actually. too big for just me. which is one thing my moving will solve - alleviate some of my loneliness. yes - i said it. these last few months - i've definitely been lonely. i thought, having my own place, friends would be coming over all the time. not so. so instead, i go home nightly, to an empty apartment - and am free to do whatever i want - all.by.my.self. so going home - i'll be with my parents. yes - moving back with my mom - all the things that were bugging me before i moved out - will still be there. but i'll have to DEAL with it. bonus of moving back - i'll be saving $10k over the next year. Sealed the deal today, by getting an RSP loan. something they have up here in canada - where by, if you put money into an rsp (registered savings plan-for retirement), they give you a break on your taxes, at tax time (april). so say, my income in 2005 was $25k - and i put $2000 into an rsp account (in my case - and a lot of people's, you take out an rsp loan), then that $2000 is 'deducted' off your gross income, and you only have to pay taxes on the $23k remaining. the catch is, you do pay the tax back, but after you've retired and at that point, your tax bracket should have dropped, so you'll still be paying a reduced tax rate on the money. and, my sister will also be moving back home. maybe june. she's waiting for her condo to be built. one of her roomates wants to move, so she figured she'd come back home and save a LOT of money (she makes way more than me) and will make moving into her condo, way easier. so having her home to, will be cool. someone to hang with!

2)so due to me moving - i'll now have to get my own transportation - a car. although technically i'll be living even further away - by driving in, i'll still get to work in less time - 45 mins (luckily my work hours, are outside rush hours - so i won't have to deal daily with nasty traffic, or road rage, etc.), compared to my current hour and a half subway, subway, subway (i take 3 different subway lines), and 1 bus ride, in! but i gotta find a car. and yes, i've done my budgeting, i can afford both a car, insurance and gas and paying back that big loan payment monthly too! it's good though - the loan. it will force me to pay myself - while i can - at least for a year (before i decide to move, yet again). one thing i've learned about me - 'never say never'. change is definitely garunteed!

shout outs to...

Sidney who turned a big 3 years old last week!

jdid who just received a bundle of joy. congratulations!

sp who is off to attend a 'conference' in some tropical locale. i'm sure she'll be working (cough, cough) real hard! ;-)

rbg - she's just chillin' for the moment.

and i need to get updated on haiku-girl, denevan, and all the rest - which means i got to get back to having my 'me' time.

a thought

2006-02-09T09:04:00.000-05:00

it just occurred to me - maybe i should move back home. (it would be for a really good reason - you know why shel, not that anything has changed.) hmm....

oh, and i had this really weird dream last night, probably triggered by an odd phone call that woke me up. it showed up private caller, the friends i have, don't block their number. i kept saying hello - but noone answered, but i could hear a man's voice in the background - couldn't place it though and a child. i think the phone must've been dialed accidently, but i can't figure out who it is - unless it was my ex - he always called private. so the dream i had was about me and my ex. a confrontation / contests of sorts. he explained that the last few years we were together, was a test. that yes he was dating someone else, but he kept me on, to see if things would change. if i would get better. i was very upset when i heard this. and then an actual race insued, through the city and houses and it was weird. actually the dream is sortof what really did happen. huh.

and we go around

2006-02-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

tired. not feeling connected. to anyone. no friends. work (which is pleasantly busy/distracting currently). come home. surf. sleep. 2hrs work at another project on wed nights. saturday's teach at 10 and 11. sundays work at the project again. but no connections. i wonder around my BIG apartment all alone. i realise that i'm not really that close to anyone. yes. i talk with my younger sister. i consider her a friend. like hanging with her. when able. and i occassionally talk to a few other friends. but i don't want to talk on the phone. it's no fun being all alone in your apartment. having your 'own' space, can be overated. and i feel that i have no time off - with the teaching/working sat and sun mornings - albeit, only for a couple of hours. i want to just sleep in. roll out of bed. or not. get up. or not. have a day to just not - if i don't want too. s'kay though. things will change. they always do. in fact - one change is that i'll be moving. closer to work. closer to (walking distance) to my older sister and her kids. the only reason i'd move that close to work. the commute's been killing me. my body just don't like getting up at 5am. 6am - no problem. 5am (even after going to bed at 9pm), just doesn't work. and a hour and a half on the subway - not such enjoying. my move will put me in walking distance to work too. 2 months. then we'll see.

that's exactyly what i'm thinking!

2006-01-09T15:18:00.000-05:00

.
"The minute you choose to do what you really want to do it's a different kind of life, and it's not about what you're getting PAID to do! If you want to live abundantly, decide what you really want and figure out a way to do it. Be clear and live with intent."

Barrie Shepley, Personal Best President and co-founder

unsure

2006-01-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

.
i am the very definition of unsure,
"lacking confidence"
"uncertain"
"unstable".

i move through my life, waiting for events to unfold.
never knowing.

what hurts, what makes it hard -
is that i am so AWARE of my,
"lack of confidence"
"uncertainty" and
"instability".

it plagues me, it haunts me
and only serves to feed my un-surety.

i yearn to know,
WHO I AM,
where i should be,
what i should be.

and yet,
even though i ask the question -
no answers are revealed to me.

and still i ask, and still i wait,
and ask again - and the never-ending circle,
or so it seems to me -
continues.

almost,
as if mocking me.

a.p., jan06

"my life without me"

2006-01-05T19:25:00.000-05:00

.
Things to do before I die.

1.
2.
3.

my list's a little sparce. there are things, but nothing that is screaming to be done. that needs be done. i don't know what that says or doesn't say.

What's on your list?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006-01-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

... and to all a good night!
oh wait, i think that's a christmas thing?

anyway. hope you all had a safe and enjoyable new year's eve.
i myself, made a 2 hour and 40 min journey out to Scarberia! (don't believe the hype, on that page. the scarborough i know - admittedly, not much - don't look like that! ;-) i'm sure there was a better route. i should have consulted jdid. oh well. the reason i headed out to scarborough, was that my cousin's threw a 70th surprise b-day/new year's eve party for their dad/my uncle. well, my journey started out in the 'village of islington'. basically, the furthest West you can get from Scarborough (which is the furthest east you can get), while still remaining in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). me and my niece, left my apartment at 4:20 pm to head to islington station. and arrived at yonge/bloor subway at 5pm, to meet my sister. from there, in all my lack of knowledge, figured that we'd just go up to Lawrence station and take the Lawrence bus right across (which my uncle lives right off of). lo and behold, once we get to Lawrence station, we find out there isn't a Lawrence East bus from there - as you'd suppose - but that we'd have to go to Eglinton station (1 street south of Lawrence) to get the Lawrence East bus. my duh!, of course. after taking the subway back to Eglinton (1 stop, thank goodness - after waiting, due to there being an emergency on the Yonge/University/Spadina line), we precede to wait for the Lawrence bus, for about 20 mins! but it finally comes. and we're making a good clip and arrive at Vic Park avenue (about the west border of scarborough), relatively quick and think we're doing fine (we've got to go about 2-3 lights past Kingston Road). but oh no - from there, things just slowed right down. the bus stopped at practicully every bus stop. and it was snowing, so the roads were not the greatest. and, because it was snowing the bus got packed up with people - the windows were fogged, so i had to move to the front of the bus and stand near the driver, so we wouldn't miss our stop. i had to call my sister on her cell, to give her updates on were we were, cause i couldn't see her in the middle of the bus, for all the people! and that's when i realised that driving there is no comparison to busing it. then we realised, that we could've just taken the RT and maybe shaved off at least 1/2 hour to an hour. oh well. you live you learn. so the party was cool. nice to see all the family. my dad gave a nice speech about/for his brother and had me read scripture! alas, we (my sister and i) left early (9:15), so that we could catch a ride back to toronto proper with my dad, who had to work last night. then i just chilled at her house with her two roomies, and ate too many turtles and pretty much was asleep at midnight. then got up at 12:40am and caught the subway back to my place.

... peace and love in the 'oh six' ...

resolutions, i had a few

2006-01-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

well - it's officially 2006 now. a 'new' year. a traditional time for changes, fresh starts and 'new' beginnings. looking back at last year, i had a few goals here and here. as you can see, i revised my view on the resolution thing, in my second post. and decided not to put too much pressure on it. so what were my plans for 2005 and did i achieve them?

1. Get Happy - Hmmm. i think i am generally so.
2. Get fit (and it's 'sub-catergories'), for which i intially did, going from 159.5 to 150 to 144 (low) and now back to my current 150. i started slacking off big time, this past sept, which is why i gained weight.
3. Save money - I did save some and then used it to pay off my visa. Yay!
4. Read more - Not as much as I'd like. I really gotta find the library in my area, for that to happen, cause the last book i read, cost me about $30, and i don't got it like that! ;-)
5. Brush teeth more diligently at night. Well, still working on that one ;-)

i was up, so...

2005-12-25T09:05:00.000-05:00

MERRY
X-MAS

...and i got my laundry done, to boot! great way to start the day - clean house, clean clothes and good food on the way! have a good one!

year in review

2005-12-25T00:17:00.000-05:00

Dec 2004 - new job and official fulltime foray into the world of fitness
Jan 2005 - received the shock of my life (see here) / notice cute guy at work noticing me. He's seriously hot. Unfortunately find out he's married - but I was seriously considering, seriously...
Feb to July 2005 - bored out of my mind at work
April 2005 - tear acl and meniscus disc during a soccer game

again

2005-12-22T07:40:00.000-05:00

i was having a very odd dream. (as i usually do.)
but in this one - i was talking with my ex. actually, we had to meet on a bus. and we talked and stuff - well, i think i was mainly asking him stuff about his life now. and he told me how 'they' were really just good friends, they got on well - but it was essentially a friendship. he even told me that the baby was actually a boy, that he'd lied about it being a girl. (he did have a girl in real life.) it was really weird though, because he looked so and sounded so different. this was because he had a TON of piercings! something he'd never do in real life. but in the dream, he had literally hundreds of mini studs in his ear, covering the entire ear. he had little diamonds 'pasted' or implanted on his lips. which is why he sounded weird. in the dream, there was no longer a connection - i guess cause he'd changed so much. it was really weird.

must be that i'm dreaming about him, cause i've been thinking about him lately.
wanting to 'hear' him. or possibly 'run into' him in the mall. which is unlikely, cause i'm not even sure where he lives now. hmmm... still want to know why, really why he did what he did. and if he ever truly loved me.

visa is the 'debil'

2005-12-16T08:41:00.000-05:00

i just paid the balance of my visa bill.
phew!
i hate that. it adds up sooooo quickly.
no more!
i have to sign up for another night course - but i have to do it by debit (direct payment out of my bank account) - and break the 'on-line' ease of paying thing - cause it is too easy to spend too much.
not to mention that i 'visa'd' (can't say 'bought' until it's actually paid for) a really expensive winter jacket and stuff from ikea (my apartment really looks like an apartment now - seeing as i got chairs and a rug under the 'dining' table now!)
but i'm heading into the new year almost debt free.
just $1199 left on my line of credit.
whoo who!

sleep

2005-12-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

... don't bump my butt with your butt.
and don't drool on my pillow.
and move over - you're taking over most of the bed.

and later on

...legs intertwined.
and sleeping peacefully...
well almost - for me, it's in and out.
almost like i'm checking - for what - i don't know.

and waking to the sound of the oh so annoying alarm.
i don't have to get up yet - but he does.
and i just want to curl and go back to sleep. for a bit.

borders? which have been crossed?
can we go back? can we go forward?

do i want to?

same question - same answer.

not so sure right now...

2005-11-05T19:11:00.000-05:00

i'm still here - plodding along. got some news on friday. not elaborating. went to dinner for my sis last night - SURPRISE b-day party. didn't go to belly dance today. can't afford the next session. wondering if this is still working. like i said - not so sure. is it that i want to continue to maintain myself, by myself? and be able to choose what i want - not to be 'tied' down. maybe. maybe. not so sure. don't want want to hurt him, cause he's been a good friend [and more] to me. did i tell you? he sat and listened to music with me. we sat and listened to music. it was cool. and we fell asleep. and sometimes it's just good comfortable. and now - right now - i'm not so sure. am i in a 'mood'? don't know. maybe. maybe not. and i'm going to have coffee with a shot of caramel in it, in the morning. maybe even tonight - cause i'm going [back] out...

"7" Meme

2005-10-31T20:53:00.000-05:00

Seven things I will do before I leave this earthly body:

1. Have something published in my name.
2. Meet my biological father (if he's alive?) or some of my paternal relatives (DC/MD/VA folk?).
3. Speak in front of a massive crowd.
4. Buy the luxury auto of my choice off the showroom floor (or off the lot after it's been built to order/my standards *wink*).
5. See my three children graduate school (as to not put limitations on them, I won't say which formal education ... hint, cough ... HBCU. Med. Law. ...)
6. Take a cruise or travel out of this country (no, I'm not as "culturally" aware as I appear).
7. Land an acting part on 1) a movie, 2) a commercial, or 3) a sitcom.

Seven things I can do:

1. "All things through Christ...", Philippians 4:13.
2. Cook a meal fit for a [vegetarian] king.
3. Discern Spirits.
4. Drive and maneuver all types of motor vehicles. Tight spaces. No problem.
5. Shop, cook, multitask with a bunch of little children in tow.
6. Read and enunciate orally (Read scripture for my pastor and the congregation one time and to'e them Greek and Hebrew words up, without breaking a sweat or time to practice.).
7. Eye make-up.

Seven things I [can't] do:

1. Say the word "can't" without cringing (See can do #1.). With that in mind, I propose to make a change on this here meme:

Seven things I won't do:

1. Mow the lawn.
2. Sleep without covers.
3. Perm my hair ever never again.
4. Curse my mother.
5. Allow my children to go to public restrooms without adult supervision.
6. Be a God parent (I'll be "play" auntie, but I've lost faith in the whole God-parent thing.)
7. Not forget to turn my cell phone off or on vibrate before going into church or the movies (Ugh. People. Courtesy.).

Seven things I say the most:

1. What. Ever.
2. Fo' real! or Fo' real?
3. Shut-up!
4. Puh-leez.
5. Babe.
6. What?
7. I'll think about it.

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex to my husband:

1. His God-fearing mentality.
2. His good Indian ... hair.
3. His intelligence.
4. His stateliness.
5. His taste in music.
6. His down-to-earth-ness.
7. His take on life, love and the pursuit of happiness marriage.

Seven celebrity crushes Disclaimer - this is like asking a person to only eat one Lay's chip:

1. Mekhi Phifer ... Mekhi_phifer
2. Cube ... Ice_cube_1
3. Mos Def ... Mos_def
4. Cedric THE Entertainer ...Ced_the_entertainer
5. Jamie Foxx ... Jamie_foxx
6. Terrence Howard ...Terrence_howard
7. Lorenz Tate ... Lorenz_tate

Seven things I wish I could do over, but won't dwell on the fact that I can't:

1. College major.
2. Having had [my] child out of wed-lock.
3. My wedding ceremony.
4. High school academia.
5. Pledging.
6. Losing my virginity before marriage.
7. Sexual encounters with my husband where he has an orgasm before me and I'm too outdone to catch up and catch one. You'll get that later.

Tag Team impersonators I choose Real Black Girl and Not Your Average Black Girl to take on the task. I was also going to choose Quel, but you know this stuff in blogisphere is contagious and she's already been bitten. Go figure.

k.i.s.s.i.n.g. (redux)

2005-10-29T19:30:00.000-04:00

lying there, my leg across his hips. his hand stroking my knee, my thigh, my calf, rubbing the bottom of my foot. pulling and rubbing my toes. (it feels so good - don't stop.) his hand goes back to the top. back to my thigh and starts to descend again. and again. and again... we become - allow ourselves to become, more comfortable. i move in closer. my leg still across his hips, but now my hip is touching his hip. closer. tighter. warmer. he doesn't stop rubbing, stroking. i feel so nice. so good. so caressed. he ventures higher -slowly. up the inside of my thigh. and back down. we move in - 1 inch closer. squeeze tighter. we roll inwards, our bodies now facing each other. chest to chest. legs still somehow intertwined. my head under his chin. breathing. breathing heavier. he's still stroking...me. our heads are so close. 1 inch upwards - trying to get my head - my mouth level with his. so slowly. breathing harder, harder - closer. 2 inches. harder. 1 inch. heavier. 1/2 an inch away. so anxious. 1/4 inch and i'm breathing him. and our lips meet. brush and part and meet again. so lightly. then harder. and i'm kissing him. i am - no we are - we're kissing each other. limbs still mingled. breathing harder. wanting to get as much as we (i) can.

k.i.s.s.i.n.g.

2005-10-25T08:12:00.000-04:00

...show some love - please...

2005-10-20T23:19:00.000-04:00

rhettgeorge. com

that's my cous' y'all. show some love. take a look at his site. he's an awesome r&b artist and currently in the Broadway show "Sweet Charity".

and he's looking for a recording deal. so if you 'know of someone, that knows of someone...', forward the link. it'd be much appreciated!

send him an email: rhett@rhettgeorge.com
tell him "his cousin in t.o." sent ya! ;-)

on the bus

2005-10-17T22:06:00.000-04:00

so friday night on my trek home from work. did i mention that that was the last day at my old job? i started a new one (same position basically, different location) today. so friday, was a very sad, very busy, very hectic day. and i got gifts. didn't expect that. my one friend got me the Magic Bullet. well, she was getting it as a house warming gift for me and it arrived then. and yes, she did get the 2 for 1 special! and 2 other friends got me a blender too- gonna see about exchanging that one... and my boss gave me a $100 gift cert as a congrats on the new position - so i can now get new runners. and i got a gift cert to the Bay, too. so, going home friday, i'm lugging the magic bullet. i'm waiting for a bus that's supposed to arrive in a few minutes. but as i'm waiting (this wasn't my regular route, as i got a drop there, from another friend from work) , i start to think, what if the connecting bus to my parents, isnt running anymore. this is after 7pm on a friday night. so i decided not to go where i was originally headed (to my parents house) and instead, just go home. and then i see my bus coming. but i'm not at the stop. so i start running and waving, hoping the driver will stop. he does. i get on and thank him. he says of course he'd stop for me. then he comments that whenever he sees me i got ton's of stuff. i recognized him as i got on the bus, but didn't think he'd remember me. so we end up chatting the whole bus ride down. as i'm getting off, he proffer's his number - which i accept. so we chatted initially, when i finally called last night. said that we go for coffee tommorow. and he called earlier tonight to confirm. and again, just after i got home. he mentioned something about my 'aura'. hmmm....

i can cook you know

2005-10-11T20:10:00.000-04:00

well, i discovered that i can make Alfredo sauce. i bought this pre-made, cheese stuffed pasta, that my sister had made for me one time. but when i bought it, i couldn't find the sauce to go with it. so i tried it last night, with a red sauce. and it wasn't so good - i could only taste the red sauce. so, i was gonna fork out the $3.49 it was gonna cost me to buy an Alfredo sauce from Rabba, then decided to try and make it myself. i have mozzerella. i have soy milk. soy milk? ya, i wasn't sure if that was gonna work. and what spices to put in. i started to check online, but then my pc crashed. so i just put in the cheese, soy milk and cut up some green onion. and by golly, it tastes really good! so simple. now i know.

Pet peeve # 341

2005-10-11T19:57:00.000-04:00

...so i'm walking home. on the sidewalk, cause that's where i usually walk. it's funny how all the little stone slabs are lined up just so, making it really easy to manouvre on. anyway, so i'm walking. and i see this lady coming towards me. i'm initially walking on the right side, as we all should. it's the rule. so i see her coming and she's pushing a baby carriage. and walking a dog on a leash, to her left, which is my right and therefore on my side of the sidewalk. so, because of the dog, on the leash, i move over to pass her on the left. right. so we're getting closer, and it's not looking like she's moving over. now, yes, she's pushing a stroller and i'll always give way to a stroller and will even move to the grass, in necessary. but i'm thinking, well she can move a smidge over. it's a small stroller and it's not a kid walking by her (for which i'd definitely move to the grass for), it's a dog. but it's not looking like she's gonna move. even a little. so we get closer, and i end up just squeezing by on the sidewalk (mind you, it's also wet out today - therefore, the grass is wet too.) and i'm thinking to myself, "she could've moved. why does the dog get sidewalk priority over me? it's just a dog!" i have to say, i was pissed.

... back away slowly ...

2005-10-10T13:37:00.000-04:00

okay, i seriously need to put down the mouse and move away from the computer. now. you can do it, just... stop... typing... that's it.... now move the pointer to sign out, you can do it. now click. alrighty then. see you in the laters, folks.

more procrastionation...

2005-10-10T13:30:00.000-04:00

although i said i wouldn't do it. but since i am, here's a list of things about me.

talk about your kwinkydinks...

2005-10-10T00:03:00.000-04:00

in my last post - the article referenced a book - 'Which is more dangerous: a gun or a swimming pool? How much does campaign spending really matter? What truly made crime fall in the 1990s? These are the sort of questions raised—and answered—in the new book "Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything."'

so i'm just browsing people's sites, trying to get up to date and i stop by denevan's site. i post a comment and then decide to look at the profile of another poster, cause i hadn't seen him post on her site before. well lo and behold, if one of his 'favorite' books, isn't "Freakonomics"! bizarre.

"A Roshanda by Any Other Name"

2005-10-09T22:55:00.000-04:00

link...so i was just using google, to see what the search results were, when i plugged in my new blog title (somebody accused me of trying to hide - she might be right...) - and i came across that article. very interesting. interesting how people will pre-judge you, even if it is subconsciencely, by your name. but remember, a rose is still a rose...

so do you have a 'whitetest of white' name or a 'blackest of black' name?
girls vs. boys. or do you cross-over?

(and check out the description of Regression Analysis. very interesting.)

i should be doing something else...

2005-10-09T20:06:00.000-04:00

...but i'm back online - again. i did manage to re-arrange my living room while watching Buffy Season 2 episodes, on my new dvd player! and played around with the layout of the blog. behold: not your average black girl. that's me! this is it.

and have ignored calling him back. i think i got issues and i feel bad about them. not sure what to do either. i'm sortof calling the kettle black...

"thanks for your love."

2005-10-08T19:41:00.000-04:00

so i just got off the phone with my mom. she was just calling to find out how/if i was planning to make it out to my cousin's house for dinner tommorow (sunday). so since i moved, whenever i've talked to my mom on the phone, she always says somthing like, "take care - love you". and i'm forced (i only say 'forced', cause for some reason i got out of, or never got into, the habit of telling my parents, "i love you".) to reply back, "love you too." the funny thing is, after i say that, she always says "thank you."

who said i had to work for money?

2005-10-07T12:16:00.000-04:00

yay! but a very small one - in case someone should suddenly decide to come down. i should be teaching right now - but no one - well, one guy's on the treadmill - is here. there's been training the past few day's, so people are in that all day, plus, today's the start of our long weekend. thanksgiving on monday. so i'm sure, people are planning to get as much work done today, work through lunch (not that they don't already do that) and head out early. plus - it's turned into a rainy day. so very blah. good - cause i'm sooooo tired (wonder why...)

endangered species

2005-10-07T12:08:00.000-04:00

i saw a black man at work today. no seriously! i actually saw one. i was chatting with soul king and decided to dash (literally) to the caf, for a muffin (it's FRIDAY-i need treats). well as i'm walking past the elevators, i see two men walking towards me - but i had to look carefully, cause i was surprised to see a black man! they're very, very rare you know - in the 'corporate' world. i think he was a little surprised to see me too - my species, is also a little rare - but our numbers are higher.

free grocery shopping...

2005-09-24T22:00:00.000-04:00

so today i did a 'Powerflex' workshop. a style of teaching similar to body pump (at least i think.) basically, it's a muscle conditioning class that works each major muscle group in the body. each group is worked (almost) continuously, for 4-4.5 mins. so unlike a cardio class, the songs are all 4-4.5 mins long and have a 1 min break in between, where in you change the plates on your barbell. oh ya - the class is down only using a barbell, with varying weight plates put onto the barbell. i really enjoyed it and look forward to teaching it. so besides it being a good workshop - which was free (and i get a certification with it), they (the city) also provided free snacks. at the end of the class i told one of the supervisor, i was gonna take an extra apple and granola bar. she's like, 'take as much as you want - the city paid for it.' and they didn't really want it. so with my free workshop done, i also walked away with 1 bottle of water, 1 bottle of orange juice, 4 macintosh apples and 8 granola bars (besides the 1 apple, 1 water and 2 granola bars, i ate during the class.) not bad!